PAIN.

Loving. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Brave. Caring. Kind. Humble. Music-inclined. Respectful. Sports-inclined. A REAL MAN.

I always use those words to describe him. I idolize him for everything, and he's the best guy I've ever known besides my dad.  

 It's been years when I met him. Within those years, we had so much memories. Memories that are full of happiness. Memories worth remembering. We used to go to far places. We used to jam. He sings for me. And, I will never forget the time he sang "Your Love", that was the time I told myself, "Yes. He's so great. He's the one." He used to play the guitar while I'm the one singing that song. He taught me how to play the guitar. I adore him so much because he's so good in playing the musical instruments. He can play everything; piano, guitar, drums, beatbox, and many more. 

But, one day, he left. I had no idea why he left.  I had no choice but to cry. He left me wondering why all of a sudden he left. I don't know why he left my auntie, he left so many words unspoken. Not even a single goodbye reached us. I was badly hurt by his decision, by his decision of leaving my aunt whom he promised he'll be spending his forever with. 

Years had passed, a news reached us; he already has his family. He left my aunt hoping someday he'll come back because he promised her that he'll  always be by her side, just trust him. But now, where is he? There he was enjoying life while my aunt was left broken, torn by the memories of him.

I was wrong, he was not the one for my aunt. He should not be idolized. He left me alone singing that song.

Loving. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Brave. Caring. Kind. Humble. Music-inclined. Respectful. Sports-inclined. But no, not a real man anymore.

She is Deserving.

                  Maybe I deserve those words, those undignifying and degrading words thrown to me months ago. I’ve done terrible things.  I acted peculiar; no doubt, I was really affected by all of these things. My days grew longer which I don’t think is good. I’ve focused only on my side, which is so regretful.

                  I know the feeling of being judged easily, I know how that fcking feels, yet I did that to someone, someone who had been my all, my everything. Maybe I came to the point where sorrow, anger and jealousy overpowered the positive ones. Now, I’m losing everything, I’m losing everyone, and it’s my entire fault.

                  I don’t know what else to do. I am crying over these; crying over my mistakes. I do regret everything. The moment they were talking to me, the moment they were throwing to me those degrading words were flashing back. I hate flashbacks, they break me, and they tear me into pieces. But, I deserve to be broken, yes, I do deserve those words.

It wasn't a nightmare.

               Few weeks ago, I met a girl. She had some traits like mine. She even opened up what she had gone through that night. I was only looking in her eyes. I can see the pain and confusion in her eyes. She said she barely understands what's happening around her. She even slapped her face, hoping what happened that night was just a nightmare, her worst nightmare. But then, after she slapped herself hard for several times, she came into a realization that it wasn't, it wasn't a nightmare. It was true, it was real. It really happened, and the most heartbreaking part there was, she has to deal with it every second she still have in her life. She never knew this was coming her way.

               After she said everything to me, she shut her mouth and closed her eyes, then tears rolled down her face. I closed my eyes too. She sobbed, I felt so sorry for myself because I didn't know how to cheer her up or even to comfort her. I can still hear her sobbing, but I just kept my eyes closed. And when I opened my eyes, the girl was right in front of me and I finally saw her face. She exactly looks like me, I was then so confused, I closed my eyes again then opened them again after a few seconds. I finally realized that I was talking to myself, the girl was me.